For some reason, it feels like I’ve been gone for like five months but it’s only been two weeks. O_oa

///

I am back in what has obviously been more than a week. I think a lot of things have happened within my absence, but all I can remember is a birthday party at one point or another and watching (500) Days of Summer, which is a fantastic movie by any account. I wouldn’t watch it with a person of the opposite sex unless you’re strictly friends, though. <_<

Other than that, nothing much else happened online and off. I’m somewhat disappointed, but at least this upcoming weekend is looking pretty awesome:

Friday is my friend’s birthday, but I’m not quite sure if I’m going to be a part of that or not. Depends on if I’m working or what have you.

Saturday is Warped Tour. I’m too tired at the moment to remember which bands are playing, but I know there are some good ones; otherwise, why would I be going?

Sunday is… nothing. That’s kinda boring.

Monday-Tuesday is going to be the second (and last) Mall of America of the summer and probably the year.

I just hope I’ll have enough moneys for both the weekend and the weeks afterward. The paycheck is going to be meager… blargh.

As for other things, I finally went to my school to see a counselor, but I forgot to set an appointment… and now I have to wait a week. I’m just a tad bit anxious, to say the least–but more on that later. I have yet to sleep at a reasonable hour at night, let alone the night before working in the morning.

Being at home all the time is not doing me any favors.

DAY INFINITY

I’m back and have clearly failed the blog-every-day-for-a-year challenge.

Well, I’ve failed more than once already, but you get the idea.

For the entirety of this week I found myself on the internet with nothing to do; I had plenty of time to write an entry if I wanted to. But my last blog took a lot out of me emotionally, so I haven’t been quite able to write anything, not to mention a few things that have gone unfavorably.

In short, I’m delaying the project. Or something.

I definitely will attempt it again (for a year from that point, too), but I’m not sure when. I miss doing these things every day, but I want to see if I can figure out how to make them not feel like a chore instead of something I want to do. I’ll probably either start up again in August or on my birthday (which is in October >_>).

In the meantime, I’ll blog every now and again… maybe.

Thinking about blogging again is tempting me to retry now, actually. <_<

FORGET IT, ARGGH.

I’ll see you all again within a week.

Days Thirty-One and Thirty-Two: Introspection and Tags

So yesterday, I made a gross miscalculation.

I had work at four in the afternoon, so I thought to myself, “Hey, I’ll wake up at two, make a quick post, get ready for work and then get a ride there!” Shortly after I woke up did I realize that I had no ride other than public transportation and, the way my job pans out, I need to leave an hour before my shift to make it on time. And, as it so turns out, I just got back from work an hour ago.

Poor timing and planning on my part, really.

I tried to make an entry today via Xanga Mobile, but the blasted thing ended up sending me in a loop of error after error, so I eventually just gave up on the idea of getting a blog in on time. So much for that streak. =/

On the plus side, I have a few things to regale you with today, so at least I have some sort of substance. Think of it like this: if substance were meat, this would be like the meat you get at Taco Bell. Wait, is that good or bad?

///

Day Thirty-One: Introspection

My iPod (and iTunes for that matter) and I have a strange relationship. More often than not, whenever I’m feeling down about something, my iPod chooses the most fitting, depressing song to play.

Today, as I got on the bus to work, I turned on my iPod and instead of going with the usual playlist I made for myself, I decided to just hit play and see what I get. (For those of you who don’t know, I have an 80GB iPod… with only 500MB of space left on it.) Out of the almost 15,000 songs, it plays a song by Tilly and the Wall, entitled “I Always Knew.”

But before I go on, another brief explanation.

I recently reconnected with a dear, dear friend of mine; someone who influenced my taste in indie/less-well-known music as well as my outlook on both life and other people as a whole.

We had been in a serious relationship for some time but around fourteen months or so, after the circumstances changed, we broke up. After a few weeks, I thought I was fine with it. We were still friends; I still talked to her on a semi-daily basis. But about a week later, I found out that she was in a relationship.

And it was at that moment that I cut her off entirely.

I still thought about her every now and then–after all, she meant a lot to me for a big portion of my considerably-short life–but I dismissed the thoughts as moments of weakness and continued to live my life. Few things happened to remind me of her until (not so) recently, where so much happened that I haven’t even the slightest idea as to how to begin.

The short of it is that, in the end, I ended up cutting off another person. As the days passed and I got more information about what was going on, I realized that what I was doing now was the same thing I did that year ago. I didn’t bother to hear the other side of things, I didn’t even stop to think about it. After the realization, I reached out to both parties and, thankfully, they’ve both accepted my apologies.

Now, back to the song.

My iPod chose to play for me “I Always Knew” by Tilly and the Wall, a band that the aforementioned dear friend had introduced me to (one of the many, many small reminders I had of her). The song was in the large majority of songs I hadn’t listened to yet, but since I liked how the song started and because I got reacquainted with the person who introduced me to them, I figured I might as well.

I ended up listening to the (three-minute-and-eleven-second) song for the entire (twenty-minute) bus ride and half of the (twenty-minute) walk.

The lyrics:

I’ve lived my life inside daydream lies
Imaginary friends that always knew one day I’d leave for good
I’ll give away this girl who tried to make you fall in love
I’ll give her to you so keep her close to you
So you won’t forget about oh how she loved you
So long ago, once upon a time
Now she has grown up, and you can’t take it back
A lullaby won’t change my mind
And I won’t ever go back to that
I will stay true to this belief that we’ve changed
For the best through this
Seperate the ones who know you
From the ones who couldn’t bother to see you for all that there is
Deep down I always knew all the times
I thought that I loved you
It was just an easy answer
It was make believe
But I still believe that this heart will learn to love

…

It’s funny how much a song can make you realize that you fucked up.

///

Day Thirty-Two: Exhaustion

I’m writing this at four in the morning, singing to songs playing on my iTunes. Clearly, my priorities are set and are in no need of fixing.

Today’s itinerary is short but time-consuming.

I’m going to probably see a college counselor about setting up fall semester, then a friend’s house,  and then… work. That’s it. I’ll be gone from nine in the morning to one… in the morning. I just don’t know how I’m going to do that on only five hours of sleep, especially if I’m still up writing arbitrary blog posts and Facebook chain-mail notes… haha.

Something of note before I hit the hay, though: Tags are weird.

I think this current layout neglects to show the tags of any given blog I write, but the usual tags I include are “blog everyday for a year,” (as a whole sentence because the words alone are too vague) “blog every day for a year” (because some people put the space between “every” and “day”), “boring” and “mundane,” (because they are) along with whatever I’m writing about for the day (for example, today’s are “tags are important” and “kinda emo”). I’ve always known that whatever you tag your stuff as is important, but it’s always weird to me when I hit the “footprints” section and see what people searched to get to me.

A long time ago, when I referenced a band and put them in a tag (even if I didn’t talk about them) I’d get random hits from Google and Yahoo. It was interesting, though, because I found out that my blogs or, at least the older ones, are achived and Google-able.

Anyway, I recently got a hit from a fellow Xangan who searched for “The Cubers.” I haven’t the slightest idea who these cubers are, but when I clicked the blog it went to, it was about the game I mentioned a while back during BEDA, (Blog Every Day in April, the project that made me start this one) “the cube.”

Hardly the same, but it goes to show that tags are important… even if they’re oft-times misleading, haha.

Hmm… Today’s been a day for many a realization. Unfortunately, the overwhelming consensus is that “I’m an idiot.“

…Alright, I’m gonna head out before I ramble any longer. Catch you all tomorrow.

Day Thirty

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009.

Whenever I tell myself that I’m going to make a post later in the evening as opposed to mornings (if I get into a groove of morning posts), I always end up forgetting about the evening post.

This was almost one of them.

I feel like this is a cheap cop-out… and it is. >_> But I am determined to not break this streak.

At what cost, though?

Day Twenty-Nine

Monday, June 29th, 2009.

I just spent four hours pouring actual thought and effort into something that’s meant to be, while still somewhat important, not nearly as long nor this personal.

Seeing as it took so freaking long, I hope you don’t remind a re-post of it. It captures the essence of how I feel about my friends, or at least I like to think it does…

Anyway, the day looks like it’s going to be packed once again. I’ll have plenty of time to update tomorrow, so for now, here is the crazy-ass note, which was meant for ten people.

///

The following list is comprised of twenty-three things I wish I could/will eventually say to before it’s too late/will never say so as to avoid compromising our friendship to twenty-three people.

I’m not doing the required tagging, but if you are a braver (wo)man than I, more power to you.

This also became deeply personal over the four hours I wrote this. So, uh… yeah. Don’t read. >_>

Shall we begin?

1. I feel it’s only appropriate that I start this off by talking to you. You were one of my very first friends I made into junior high. I had trouble trusting people, seeing as one of my closest friends had all but abandoned me for her more “popular” friends, but you and I were able to connect, albeit rougher than most. We made a good team back in the day, but we don’t talk much these days. You sound like you’re doing well, though, which is always good thing to hear. I’m glad we were good friends, if only for a few short years, and I hope that you’ll still keep in touch every now and then.

2. I can’t remember the exact circumstances as to how we met other than us meeting in junior high, but I do remember all the things and people you introduced me to–namely, Xanga, as well as a few people on this list. I’m not sure if you remember any of this (I know your memory’s bad as it is), but it helped me grow as a person, so I’m thankful to you for that–indirectly or otherwise. And about the way things turned out with those people: I can’t help but feel that I’m at fault for you no longer talking to any of them. If that’s the case, I am sorry.

3. You were the first, if I remember correctly. I still think about those days, about how much I miss what we used to have. In fact, one of the few things I think about every day is that fateful night, at the end. However, when I stop to think about it, I’m not quite sure if we had anything to begin with. We were so young back then… maybe we were just in love with the concept of being in love? Whatever the answer may be, I’m glad you still keep in contact with me, if only here.

4. Everything that happened between us was my fault and my fault only. Don’t you think for one second that any of it was you. I was afraid to own up to my fears let alone yours, and I failed you in all aspects–especially as a friend. I failed to be there for you, but I’m happy you were able to find someone to step up in my absence and that, all things considered, you’re doing quite well. I wish nothing but the best for you.

5. Oh, you. I took you for granted… and it was that mistake that drove you away from me. I like to say that I don’t live with any regrets, but this is one of those bigger things that haunts me constantly. I was an idiot, plain and simple, but what’s done is done. No matter how much I want to, I can’t change the past. Besides, you’re doing very for yourself now and I couldn’t be happier for you! I only wish I had known what I do now then.

6. I don’t know you well enough to say much about you. Using that very same logic, I thought it was alright for me to cut you off. In my error, I realized I was repeating the same mistake I made just a year earlier and the realization opened my eyes to what I was doing. I thought about things from your point of view, and I knew that what I was doing wouldn’t help. I’m glad you didn’t hold it against me and I sincerely hope we can hang out in the future.

7. I used to think you were beyond obnoxious, but over the years I realized that you and I were just kids. While you still retain that obnoxiousness I remember so well, I think you’ve learned to use it at the right times, as well as hone it into something… entertaining, to say the least. Take it as you will, but I think you’re a good “ying” to [someone else in this note]’s “yang,” and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

8. There are so many things I can say to you, so many things I words of praise I could throw at you or inconsistencies I could call you out on, but I won’t–at least not here, haha. We talk about a great deal of things, from the trivial to the personal, and I glad you can confide to me. While you make some less-than-awesome decisions every now-and-again and you can be a little difficult when it comes to a few (mildly important) things, I know that, deep down, you’ve got only the best of intentions. I’ve always thought of myself as your unofficial “older brother” so, if I ever seem to get out of hand with my commentary, please remember that I’m only trying to look out for you.

9. You’re a pretty fun person to be around, but it’s weird; I see you almost every day but I’ve only ever talked to you seriously a couple of times, and that was only when our mutual friend (who often initiated the seriousness) was there with us. I think we should talk more about the deeper things, whatever those may be, but it’s not necessary. We’ll see how the future pans out, won’t we?

10. The first time I met you, I had the idea that you and [another person on this list] were the best of friends. In retrospect, you two probably weren’t the “best of the best” friends, but I can still see how strong your friendship is. I’ve only recently started actually talking to you, but I already know what kind of person you are: honest, loyal, genuinely caring are a few words that come to mind. Given the circumstances, me getting to know you finally is bittersweet, but no sense in worry over these sorts of things.

11. Our relationship has always been a weird one, highlighted by a certain, universal thing. I’m sorry for leading you on so long ago, I really am, but, excuse me if I am wrong if think we used each other for our own reasons, maybe? Aside from that, I know that you’ve run into quite a few obstacles on your way to reaching your dream, but if you keep at it, I am certain you will get what you want. You’ve always been a hard worker–something I’ve always admired about you.

12. We don’t talk as much as we did those few years ago; if we ever do these days, it’s indirectly through mutual friends. We used to talk everyday after school and on the bus, but now… nothing. I mean, what happened to us? It’s a shame, really, but if this is the way you want it, then that’s just how it has to be.

13. I still can’t believe how many people liked you at one point or another while I was at North. It’s funny how many people you had doing random favors for you throughout the years and, as I think about it, I can’t help but laugh… even if I was one of those folks, haha. Regardless, I’m happy for how things seem to be turning out for you and I wish you nothing but the best. We should definitely hang out, the future permitting.

14. Is it bad that the last thing I remember about you is that one night turned everything from “awesome” to “pity-party” in 0.2 seconds flat? I mean, everyone’s got their problems and  I’m sure there were other factors, but the excuses you were giving were simply not acceptable. There’s no good reason for not trying. Don’t give me that B.S., you can do better than that. I don’t know if it means anything to you, seeing as I throw this around so much, but I believe in you. I do.

15. I’ve only met you twice and both times we didn’t really talk. But from what I gather, you’re a well-meaning guy. [Other person in this list] looked out for you, and I feel it’s a part of my responsibility to do so as well. Like I said, we didn’t really talk; but if you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to come to me.

16. We’ve talked a few times, but as of recently we’ve only talked in person annually. I know a few things about your past thanks to a certain website and I might know your anxieties concerning those “few things,” but I wouldn’t worry too much about–I am certain you will find what you are looking for in due time. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t know too much about you other than that, but I’d like to. We should try to hang out more than annually.

17. I’m not quite sure how we managed to keep in contact with each other after meeting on THAT website of all places, but I’m glad we have. If only you’d answer your texts more often than you do, haha. I know you’ve got a few issues concerning yourself, but don’t worry so much about it. It’s easier said than done, yeah, but you’re always going to be you, so just keep on doing what you’re doing. If it’s worth anything, I think you’re awesome the way you are.

18. I see a little bit of me in you when I stop to think about it. You’re a little strange, but you can be hilarious at the right moments and you’re usually well-meaining. You also have what I used to have, that being work ethic. My advice to you is to never let that go and, as long as you have that and a general idea as to what you want to do, you’ll be fine in whatever you may attempt.

19. It’s funny how life works out sometimes. Although separated by just a year, you’re quite different from [other person on this list]. You seem to have a penchant for apathy, but I think there’s something more underneath all of that. Not to get all preachy, but the only way we can grow is to let others in. Only time can tell, but I’m confident in this prediction of mine.

20. The timing was absolutely terrible, wasn’t it? I mean, we really only started hanging out and talking for about a year or so, and now here we are. I’m not bitter or sad about it, though; I know you’re doing what you think is best for you. The only thing I can do is support you in all your endeavours and be here for you whenever you may need it. Remember, despite the distance, we will always be friends.

21. Honest to G-d, it feels like nothing happened in-between before and after us. Although I think I should be angry or upset about it, I’m really not. I still have the same awesome friend I had before all of that craziness, and I’m particularly proud of that, if I do say so myself, haha. Looking back on it, I’m pretty sure I know what exactly happened between us, but it doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done, and all we can do is look forward to the future. I hope we’ll be able to talk more when you come back!

22. I like how our paths crossed a few times over the course of our identical schooling, but we only really started hanging out near the middle of high school. I remember how happy I was to find someone who actually had the same interests I did (even if I was a adolescent/teenage rage machine back in the day), and I’m glad we still have that in common, if not only on a smaller scale. Eventually, we grew to become better friends than any two people with a common-interest would, and I consider you one of my most important friends. Even though your new home-away-from-home has changed you significantly (We don’t hang out us much as we did way back when, but that was back when we both had: 1. No lady friends; and 2. No jobs, so it’s understandable.), you’re still the same person I became friends with, no doubt about it. Just try not to leave me behind, alright?

23. Man, it’s been a crazy five years hasn’t it? You’ve influenced me greatly in some of the bigger aspects of my life, but I’m not sure if I have done the same for you. I know that for the overwhelming majority of the earlier parts of our friendship, I was a complete and utter jerk. I don’t know if you think the same, but I think of you as one of my best friends; I am truly sorry for the shit I put you through, you have no idea.  I think it stems from another aspect of your personality that I’ve seen dissipate, but not as much as I’d like it to. I’m confident that you’ll be able to get past it with time, though, but not without a little effort. As for a few other things we’ve talked about, I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t rush it. I know you; you’ll find exactly what you need. I think we need to have another talk about everything, like we had so many years ago… assuming you remember.<Photo 1>

Day Twenty-Eight

Sunday, June 28th, 2009.

I’m feeling good about these blogs. Hopefully I’ll manage to keep a streak going.

///

So, last night I fell asleep around eleven. Considering my “normal” sleep schedule, it was relatively early. It would have been nice to have slept the entirety of the night, but woke up a few hours later around two in the morning.

I’ve been up ever since.

I had the chance to catch a few z’s an hour ago, but try as I might, I couldn’t. I thought about a variety of things, from the trivial and the hilarious to the oh-so-important and the depressing, although my thoughts tended to drift toward the latter. I attributed the trend to the idea that everyone has their ups and their downs, just like a healthy economy has both economic booms and recessions, and that I am at a low point.

Anyway, I have to be at work in a couple of hours. I’m writing this up now because I remembered I was supposed to watch a movie with a friend around eight or nine-ish tonight and, since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the only new and interesting movie out (at least in my area), we’ll probably watch that. More likely than not, it’ll take me into tomorrow (since it’s a two and a half hour movie…?!) and that just wouldn’t do.

I’m curious to see how this turns out, but all bets are on “poorly.” Granted, it’s not a complete all-nighter, but it’s the same in essence. Maybe this will fix my sleep schedule, if only to be ruined Wednesday from a closing shift.

Day Twenty-Seven: The Turning Point?

Saturday, June 27th, 2009.

I’m going to miss June, if only for the fact that once it’s over I have to start remembering dates.

///

Last time, I spoke about fixing I wrong I had done in the past, about how a chain of simple, seemingly unrelated things all related back to the person I had wronged. Because of that little order of random occurrences, I’m now talking to a person I had cut off for more than a year over something petty and trivial.

Yesterday, another small, insignificant sequence of events led me to a mini-revelation.

Around six in the morning, I decide to look up something involving Hagrid from Harry Potter. It was supposed to be a quick check, right before sleeping. Two hours later, after reading somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty Harry-Potter-related articles, I learn to appreciate the depth of Rowling’s world and decide to read the books again.

Later, during my break sometime around eight, I’m eating when a regular patron from the theater (a cool guy, in my opinion; he frequented the theater enough to know who I was and actually give me a ride home when I missed my bus once) comes up and talks to me. We talk about a variety of things; why he no longer frequents my theater in particular and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and how it has something for everybody among the topics of conversation. Near the end of my break, we start to talk about upcoming movies and, as it so happens, the poster for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is up in the middle of the food court. He casually points to the poster. We start talking about the series and I, having read somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty Harry-Potter-related articles, pull out some of the most random facts as he adds on. Before he leaves, he expresses a distate in how he knows so much about the HP universe. I counter, believing it is something I think is impressive.

Afterward, during the last half of my shift, I get a message from my new-but-old friend. She would be a freshman in college, but she didn’t attend. Her life is going quite well, and I am happy for her. Among other things, her message makes me think about myself and my “situation.” I begin to apply this train of thought to writing, and  I come to the [obvious] conclusion that as long as I am enjoying myself, I should write what I want to write. I realize that I want to write the next Harry Potter; not for it’s popularity, but it’s intricacy.

…

I suppose everything is connected, huh.

Day Twenty-Five and Twenty-Six

Friday, June 26th, 2009.

It’s weird.

I did a handful of things today. Stuff I could just write about now that could take up a page or so and waste your time–you know, the usual. Granted, it’s the boring stuff you tend to remember the most, but today, all I could think about is this one thing I did a little over a year ago. The smallest, most insignificant things reminded me about it; from the random song that played at the restaurant to a simple question involving a single letter.

Without getting into too much detail, I overreacted and I did something. Something that I’ve been regretting only recently, since I seem to have fallen into the same predicament.

The only thing I can do now is try to fix what I’ve done wrong and hope for the best. In this regard… wish me luck.

///

I’ve been trying to write again for the last year or so. Not blogs like these (seeing as I’ll be writing them for just about a year), but actual writing.

I’m also well aware that I’ve been saying that same line for the last… forever. Or so.

I’ve been feeling the urge to write, but not at the right times nor the right places. I’ve also been feeling like my peak has long since gone, but that is a different subject entirely.

I’m thinking of investing in a pocket notebook or something. Not to say that my ideas are interesting, but they intrigue me, so if anything, I’ll write something for myself. Maybe one day I’ll share it with you… or whatever.

In any case, I have to be up in about six hours to go deliver meals (on wheels!) and then afterward, go to work until one in the morning. I also might be walking home, which may or may not be bad.

If it’s a fifteen minute car ride on a good day, how long is that walk going to be? I guess I’ll find out.

…

“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful, if it’s bad, it’s an experience.” – Victoria Holt

ADDENDUM – It’s good.

Day Twenty-Four

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009.

NEXT, ON 24…

I felt that was necessary.

///

Work, work, work. I have to get ready to go in a few minutes, but instead of getting ready, I’m writin’ a blog!

Yesterday, I worked the midnight show of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Despite some less-than-favorable early reviews, the two shows we had of it sold out. I was supposed to be in concession (which is an utter NIGHTMARE for anyone who’s never worked at a theater before), but I lucked out and ended up checking tickets at the door of one of the movie theaters.

I think that, given the events of yesterday, perhaps it was some sort of karma? Haha.

Anyway, I must depart for the wonderful world of theater employee…dom. It’s currently raining, so I guess that makes up for the fact that this is yet another one of those super-short posts. I would have written something later tonight, but my shift ends at 1AM, so… @_@

Catch y’all later.

Day Twenty-Three

Tuesday, June 23r, 2009.

I have very little time to write this.

Today’s been pretty interesting, but all the while time consuming. I just came back from the lake shore and now I’m headed off to work.

Tonight’s the midnight show for the new Transformers movie. I’ve never worked during a midnight show to know what it’s going to be like, but I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m nervous, but then again, all it really is is just a crapload of work. Unnecessary work.

I swear, if I don’t have time to write a decent blog by the thirtieth blog, I’m abandoning this project.